ILLUSTRATION: Rust & Ella’s Not-So-Excellent Adventure • watercolor & ink on paper • 5×7″
Here’s how I pretty much felt about Interstellar in four scenes.
Spoiler warnings, I guess.
EXT. FARMHOUSE – DAY
EMILIO LIZARDO (70) and RUST COHLE (40) in rocking chairs on the porch. A Playa-esque dust storm rips through covering them in sediment. A boy LITTLE CASEY AFFLECK (15) teases his sister MURPH (7).
Shame about all the okra dyin’. And my daughter.
This place is like somebody’s memory of a town, and the memory is fading.
Also shame that you have to travel through a wormhole to save the Earth.
It’s all one ghetto man, a giant gutter in outer space.
Daddy, don’t leave! What about the ghost? It says stay!
Rust walks to his pickup truck and turns the ignition.
Sometimes you gotta go back to actually move forward.
Hey, I thought my truck was contractually required to be a Lincoln?
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN (O.S.)
Lincoln doesn’t make a pickup.
Remember when I visited the 8th Dimension and brought back the Red Lectroids. That movie was way better.
INT. SPACESHIP – ETERNAL NIGHT
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON (40) calculates stuff and throws up in a barf bag. ELLA ENCHANTED (30) secretly kisses a picture of her sweetheart and makes puppy dog eyes.
FAKE JAKE GYLLENHAAL (30) puts some more gel in his hair and looks at a map...of Disneyland? He circles Space Mountain and draws a smiley face.
So, explain this wormhole thing to me again, Neil. Is this like the movie Tremors?
Neil rolls his eyes. Rust stops cutting out little spacemen from Lone Star cans.
It’s like in this universe, we process time linearly, forward. But outside of our space time, from what would be a fourth dimensional perspective, time wouldn’t exist and from that vantage could we attain it? You see our space time would look flattened, like a single sculpture, matter in a super position, every place it ever occupied.
Wooderson, I mean, Rust crushes a beer can on his head.
You see everything outside our dimension, that’s eternity. Eternity looking down on us. Now, to us it’s a sphere.
(holding up the can)
But to them it’s a circle.
And love! Love is the most powerful force in the universe.
Yeah, what they said, plus space origami. So have we decided which planet we’re going to land on first?
My ladyboner tells me... this one!
Fake Jake nods his head in agreement just as an AWESOME ROBOT enters the room.
You guys are f*ing useless. The only job you have is sleeping and docking with other spaceships. They could have just sent robots. We’re the funniest, most complex characters in this movie.
Someone put his honesty setting at 100% again.
EXT. THE ICE PLANET HOTH – 68-HOUR-LONG DAY
Rust and DR. MANN (Get it? You will.) tromp across a frozen wasteland that looks like Everest Base Camp.
I get a bad taste in my mouth out here... aluminum... ash... like you can smell a psychosphere.
That’s because I’m about to kill you and steal your spaceship! Bwahahah!
Doesn’t matter. I have seen the finale of thousands of lives, man.
That’s Doctor Mann to you.
Young, old, each one so sure of their realness. You know that their sensory experience constituted a unique individual with purpose and meaning. So certain that they were more than biologic --
Dr. Mann bashes in Rust’s space helmet.
Dammit, do I have to save you guys again? This is why you write three acts, not four.
???. ANOTHER DIMENSION – ???
Black hole! Wormhole! Event horizon! Relativity! Math! You know, basically what that would look like on screen. I give up. GEORGE CARLIN arrives in a telephone booth from the year 2688.
Rust, I’ve been sent from the future to ensure you pass your history --
I mean, wait, sorry. That was a different, better movie about time travel.
Someone once told me time is a flat circle. Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again
Eh. Maybe. I guess, but I’ve been sent from the future to ensure you teach your daughter the coefficients of space time, so she can harness the power of gravity to launch the world’s least aerodynamic building into space.
I thought I was mainlining the secret truth of the universe.
No, sorry. Just stand behind this bookshelf and push books and shit until she understands.
Ah, all your life, all your love, all your hate, all your memories, all your pain, it was all the same thing. It was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room ... behind a bookcase.
Just push the damn books on the floor already.
“God Gave Rock and Roll to You” by KISS plays.